1 year

1 year ago today, I got up early, shuffled a 4 yr old to ballet classes at 8am and then brought my niece Teagan home to hang out for the day.  She was CONSTANTLY  asking me for something to drink.C Calls and texts to her mom, is this normal for her?  When did this start? Is she doing X? Y? Z?  I was already thinking diabetes because my husband is Type 1. I couldnt check her blood sugar but I sent her home with ketone strips I had and gave her mom instructions on how to check.

Then I curled up on the couch and took a nap while my own undiagnosed child ate and drank me out of house and home, blood sugars raging.  1 year ago today, Bella was already diabetic, her pancreas was already at least 80% dead. She wasnt diagnosed for 4 more months.

I have asked myself so many times... why didnt I use a ketone strip on her?  I had already pushed the notion that she was diabetic out of my head.  I had asked her dad to check her BG and we rationalized it. Shes just thirsty, of course she's peeing all the time. This went on for months. Maybe it wasnt that excessive we told ourselves. She had always been in daycare, now she was home with me. Maybe it just SEEMED like more. It continued  through thanksgiving and Christmas. Through new years and her birthday.

Then in February she started to get thinner, but taller, so was she really skinnier or was it just her slimming down from growing. Her 5th birthday came and went, I FINALLY had a baby. And then things really kicked into high gear, she started wetting the bed, she was having horrible behavior issues( I had to carry her kicking and screaming out of chic fil a one day, 39 weeks pregnant), She was drinking 3 or 4 glasses of water at bedtime.

The night she was diagnosed was very long. I had been through some complications after Trace was born and was in and out of the emergency room.  That afternoon I was having issues and my mother in law came over to watch Bella so Nathan could take me and Trace back to the hospital.  I sat int he ER in unbearable pain, panicking because there was something WRONG with me and I was scared I would never be normal again. Trace was screaming because he was hungry and I was in so much pain that I couldnt move into a position I could nurse him in. I begged a nurse that passed my room to just help me so I could feed my 10 day old baby. I begged God to please just make it stop. I was crying, begging and pleading with anyone, then I just felt a calm feeling. It wasn't like I was suddenly ok, but liek I needed to calm down for clarity.  Then I remembered somethign from early in my pregnancy and knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it. Within moments I was a new woman, I walked out of the room with utter amazement, and fed my baby. The nurse came back and was shocked at the change, doctors came in and laughed incredulously at the silly way I had fixed my problem. We packed up and left the ER to go home. When we got there it was after 10, Bella was not asleep and was  asking for a third cup of water in less than an hour. My mother in law and I had both been concerned for a while and finally we checked her BG. Hi. HI. HI.... vomiting.... 487...water. water... water.... 350..... sleep, no food.... 250.... back to 375. Because we were experienced in T1, we did not go straight to the hospital. Now I know how utterly stupid that was. Even though her BG was dropping her ketones were not. I strongly feel that she was actually getting very ill that night. If I hadnt been in the ER would Jane have been there? Would we have finally checked her BG?  NAthan and I surely would have kept rationalizing it. We had been for months.

Weeks later, sometime int he middle of the night, I laid awake trying to figure out when she started showing symptoms. I remembered Teagan. When that happened I had already been thinking about what was up with Bella. I even told Tracy about my concerns and how ( we thought) they were nothing. I had a picture of the girls playing in the backyard that day....its still in my phone. Oct. 29th.

So 1 year ago, Bella had type 1 diabetes. Its not the D- anniversary. Its worse. It's when it should have been caught but wasnt. If your child ever has symptoms of diabetes, HAVE THEM CHECKED. It can save their life!

Common symptoms of diabetes:

• Urinating often
• Feeling very thirsty
• Feeling very hungry - even though you are eating
• Extreme fatigue
• Blurry vision
• Cuts/bruises that are slow to heal
• Weight loss - even though you are eating more (type 1)

Thankful!

My 5 year old daughter Bella loves horses, she loves to draw, especially fairies and she just learned to ride her bright pink and purple bicycle without training wheels. She has long blonde curly hair that catches everyone's attention and she has enough "sass" to make even a stranger shake their head and hide a smile. My daughter Bella was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in February. This means that her body cannot make the insulin that it needs to turn her food into energy for her body. Her father and I must give her insulin injections, shots, multiple times a day. In the 6 months since Bella was diagnosed she has had over 550 injections. Thankfully, she now has an insulin pump that administers her insulin, instead of shots she only has to change her infusion site every three days. It has been a godsend! However, we must still check her blood sugar 8-12 times per day. This means pricking her tiny little finger tips with a needle and squeezing blood out to apply to a test strip. These readings let us know if her blood sugar is high or low, how much insulin to give her, or if she needs juice or food or worse, an emergency injection called Glucagon to raise her blood sugar. Just like the pump made administering her insulin easier on her, and so much more effective as well- There is a device called a Continuous Glucose Monitor. This "CGM" has a fiber-optic sensor that sticks under her skin and stays in place for a week. The sensor takes a reading of her blood sugar every few second sand every 5 minutes it displays the average. Not only does the CGM give us the real time reading but it plots these readings out so that we can see if her sugar is rising or falling quickly, allowing us to catch any dangerous lows and stop dangerously high blood sugars. However, her insurance will not cover it. It's not a required item, even though it is considered the standard of care in the diabetes community. A CGM costs almost $1600 and the monthly supplies average about $300. This is beyond what our family can afford. Thankfully, we have wonderful friends. We have friends who are going above and beyond, creating fundraisers to help raise the money to purchase Bella what she needs, what we need to keep her tiny little body as healthy as we can.

 I dont know how to make it click-able... but here it is!

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/f303/bellacgmfund

underneath....

When you look at people you see what they want you to see.  You see a somewhat put together human being with not enough sleep and not enough hours in the day and not enough help, but making it, getting by, because its what we do. When you look in the mirror. you see what you want to see. You tell yourself... no, no, you don't. Because its not even there. You don't have to tell yourself ts ok, because its just... there. That gut instinct. YOU ARE OK.  There is no "telling yourself" because that would be some sort of inward acknowledgement that things aren't really okay. And they have to be. Not in that, I refuse to accept the possibility of failure kind of way, but in a way that means if  they aren't JUST okay, then the world would crash to a halt. That speechless, Oh My God, what has happened here, what do I DO? Paralyzing fear... that ok, right this minute that number is ok... but what about the next one and the next one and the NEXT one, when shes asleep and your exhausted and sleep thru an alarm and Oh my GOD, what if you sleep through the whole night and wake up and she's dead.  Thats not there. It cant be, stuff it down inside. DEEP down inside, behind the brick wall in the back of that closet that you hide everything in. Because you ARE OK. Your CHILD is FINE. There is nothing to see here... nobody is broken. that stupid pancreas, we have GOT THIS. We don't need you... until it starts to happen to someone else. And somehow THAT person punched an teeny tiny little hole in the brick wall in the back of the closet full of hidden shit. And all the signs are there and all the symptoms are there and you start bawling because dammit, WHY does someone else have to go through this. And you can cry, you can cry for this other person because she isn't YOU and he isnt your child and you dont have to be FINE for them, because they live 900 miles away. You dont have to hold it together for them.  Your heart can break for them, because you dont have to look them in the face at 3am and make sure they are breathing.  Thats their Grand Canyon. You are only seeing it in pictures.... its not so huge, so massive, so terrifyingly deep in pictures. But you dont have a Grand Canyon... you are FINE. Not your kid, she is FINE.  We are OK. Nevermind that nagging feeling in your gut, the choked back sob that is always there, because you are imagining that. When you read about that new kid who was just diagnosed. It didnt bring a thing back.... that little bump, it was a speedbump, not Mount Everest calling. Nothing hidden in that closet behind that brick wall.  Move along. Stop fumbling with the lock on that door, you are too tired, too exhausted after 6 months of not sleeping, not breathing not looking in the mirror, because Mt Everest might just be too big to stuff behind the brick wall. And God knows you are too damn tired to shove everything back in if you open the door. Nothing is wrong, YOU ARE OK.... wait, did you just say that?

Wait what happened!?!?!?!

Summer is over? School starts in 5 days! eek! We have been doing diabetes education at Bellas school ( yay for starting Kindergarten!) and learning how to use her insulin pump. Trace is almost crawling and weighs about 125lbs now. Ok ok, more like 20, but you get the point.

Hopefully the school year will go well. Her teacher seems more than capable and willing to work with us on proper diabetes care. The principal seems wonderful. Everyone is eager to learn and be helpful, more so than I think is necessary in some cases. The librarian was concerned about how to work her pump! THAT shouldnt be needed. But I admire her concern.

B is doing great acclimating to it. She wore it for 3 days this week, all while still having to get her shots because the pump only had saline in it. I tried to change the site yesterday and screwed up so we decided to leave it off until she starts on the insulin.

So pump is lined up, school supplies have been bought, school clothes are waiting to be washed and hung up. She showered and washed her won hair for the first time tonight ( although there was s good bit of yelling involved on both of our parts. She is finishing up swimming lessons, ( God, bless that woman for not drowning her, She has fought every step of the way).

Looking forward to getting settled in and having a routine again. These past 6 months have been fly by the seat of your pants and then crash ( to sleep). I'm hoping school will work out well, and I can get Trace on a bit of a routine. We started much earlier with Bella but things have just been chaotic around here. Maybe the poor boy can get a decent nap!

I'm hoping that within a couple of weeks I can get geared up and start working on my little business idea. I started making T shirts with pockets to hold Bellas pump, and a few friends suggested I sell them. They are over $30 online but I can make them at a fraction of the cost. I have already started trying to get the word out on FB and fine tuning some ideas. So please, if you havent already checked it out, go here, and see what all my yammering is about!

                               https://www.facebook.com/sugarfreetees

Tired

This sums it up perfectly.

http://www.theprincessandthepump.com/2013/04/at-least-its-not.html

changes....

Several weeks ago we discovered that Baby Boy is allergic to dairy. Not lactose intolerant, but actually allergic to dairy protein, which according the Bellas allergist isn't so much an allergy but a toxic reaction.  Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Luckily we found a brilliant breastfeeding specialist who explained it all to me and wah-la! Mom goes dairy free, Baby Boy feels better. Mom was STARVING!

But after a few days of nothing but pb&j and animal crackers ( thats all we had that I could find without dairy in it) I started to figure it out. Ya know, after a few says with butter, and sauces and cheese and gravy..... you learn how delicious food really is. Like shrimp with fresh homemade salsa and fresh cilantro and black beans and fresh squeezed lime juice.... I'm making myself hungry! That is probably my favorite meal ever.

I eventually had to give up red meat because the bovine protein the meat was still upsetting his system,  By then I was watching documentaries on healthy eating, juicing/green smoothies, all that crazy stuff. Basically drinking the kool-aid.

Since then, Ive given up dairy and red meat,  I'm working on cutting out chicken  and pork. Although I plan to still have shrimp and some fish. Mostly just shrimp I'm not a big fish person. I'm making my own fruit and veggie juices with lots of green stuff that tastes like grass. lol And cooking things like vegetarian pasta, and eggplant.

Baby boy is getting better and better each day. Did I mention he is 4 1/2 months old and he is SITTING UP!  I'm terrified, hes going to be driving next Wednesday.

And amazingly, the junk food junkie, eats out WAY too much momma... Shes down 10lbs already and feeling so much better. I even got a bike, yes a bright pepto bismol pink bike with a baby trailer.  I'll be THAT mom, lol.

Relief!

So excited! We got the Endo to agree to a pump ( just need to practice mastering the correction factor for a couple of weeks) and Bellas A1C was down from a 9.7 at diagnoses to a 7.5! Which is exactly where the want a child her age! Feeling so much better, we are doing exactly what we need to be doing and I think her next appointment in a few months will be even better! Not because of the pump but just learning more about her body and incorporating a better diet for everyone in the house! When mom goes dairy and meat free is changes EVERYONES diet! As soon as the junk is gone it is never coming back in.... well except maybe some oreos. lol

Its been...... a DAY.

Not a bad day, not a good one.  And well its really hasnt been an actual day, its been weeks. 

We went to Camp Kandu, a day long camp for kiddos with T1D. It was awesome, but man, it was exhausting! B was able to kick us parents to the curb and run all over the place with a flurry of other kids, and adults who are also diabetic. I still dont think she has realized that last part. That every kid there ( for the most part)  was just like her. T wasnt very cooperative,but that might be asking a bit much for a 3month old. Hopefully in the fall he will be a little less demanding.

I really dont have much to say, tomorrow is Mothers day.... can I just stay in bed all day, nurse the baby when needed and only crawl out of bed at dinner to find a clean house? :)  That right therr is every moms dream!

BTW- who the hell in Russia is reading this thing?

Just 2 more weeks.

The school did it again. I dropped B off and I am told they are having SMORES as a special treat.

REALLY?  Like, seriously.... WHOLE schools are peanut free due to allergies. We cant find a freaking activity that doesn't require a shitload of sugary food for the class with the diabetic?

I honestly wonder if that doesn't count as discrimination? At the very least its mean and rude. While her class made and ate smores, Bella had her snack in the directors office and read a book.

That really pisses me off. 

Guess what!

Trace is 11 weeks old ( gosh, is that ALL?)  and he weighs about 14lbs. EXCLUSIVELY breastfed, that is some GOOD milk! :)

And I have lost 33lbs since he was born. Now, you  might not think thats much but I only gained 17 or so pounds during my entire pregnancy! So I weigh less NOW than I did when I got pregnant. Yay me!

I dont claim to know what I'm doing....

But I let the 5yo eat whatever she wanted the other day and she didnt need any Humolog all day and her numbers stayed in range all day too. Of course the next day we went back tot he normal forcing carbs and pushing insulin and BAM! 375! WTF?

I really wish we could adjust things so that she could eat normally and we could dose insulin according to her diet rather than give her X amount of insulin and force XX amount of carbs to compensate for the insulin.

45 carbs is easy some times... say a ham sandwich ( 27 carbs) and some cheeseits (17carbs) , throw in a string cheese and some water or crystal light and you are good to go. Easy 45 carb lunch that a 5 yo will eat. But dinner, of say a chicken breast (0) and green beans( 10) and rice ( 35) isnt hard either until you are fussing at your kid to eat the CUP of rice required to get those numbers and ignoring the chicken on her plate. That will never sit well with me. Why cant we have less insulin and a normal 1/4-1/2 cup of rice?

Whats really odd is that the night she had no insulin( well, she had her Lantus)  her numbers were EXCELLENT... 150-100 , she only  dropped to just under 70 in the early morning hours.  But the night when we push carbs and insulin we have to pump her up to 250+ to get her high enough because she crashes between 4-6am. ( Side note- I wish we had an alert dog. Granna- that does not mean to go buy one!)

It would be awesome to sleep instead of check her every 2-3 hours throughout the night.

On the other end, Mr. Man is getting huge! ( was he ever small?) Hes smiling and starting to laugh, jabbering a good bit and he has the CUTEST little diapered butt! See!

I just started cloth diapering this past week! Love it and I'm thoroughly obsessed now!

nothing but a negative

some people will get it.

I never know what to say when something bad happens. i dont cry, i dont break down. i go into action, brick walls go up to distance to distance myself from the situation. no i dont cry, if I ever start....well, i wouldnt want to be around.


In all of the blogs and posts Ive read from over D parents, moms talk about the hate they have for diabetes. I dont get it.

I dont HATE diabetes. diabetes is not a thing... diabetes is a lack of proper function. the absence of function actually.... diabetes is a negative, therefore it cannot win, because it is nothing.  the only weapon diabetes has is a lack of control. well, guess what... I'm a control freak.

challenge accepted.You can try to haunt every member of my family, but I will control you into submission.

There is a plan....

6 months ago I learned that I am a carrier of the cystic fibrosis gene Delta 508. I am probably the first person in history to not freak out about this, because I knew that even if Nathan was a carrier too that even IF Trace had CF there is a "cure" coming. I know this, because one of my best friends is also a carrier  and her daughter actually has CF.

That day I thought Nathan would be a carrier. I thought that was why this friend was in my life.  to prepare me for a child with CF. To set me up with a wonderful resource and support system. But he wasnt. So, I'm lucky enough that I only need to warn my kids when they decide to have kids one day. ( well, before then, but you get the point)

The day Bella was diagnosed I was at home packing up our house while Nathan took her to the ER.  I was also on the phone with this friend who knows every little in and out of our childrens hospital, who also offered  silent prayers and support ( because she knows I cant handle emotional stuff and LORD KNOWS that day I'd have lost my mind) but also lead me by example that although our kids fight different battles. the WAR is the same.

Daily fights to keep thier bodies as healthy os possible, to keep outside influences from complicating matters, just the right amount of food and meds at just the right time. avoiding germs and certain situations.

So... thats why. I have some wonderful friends, friends who go out of thier way to help, who THINK and avoid certain things that they know we cant have. but its a special thing to have someone who gets it. Even though I'm just starting to. wee fight different battles. but the war is the same.

 Thank you for getting it, and helping me realize I'm still human yesterday... and making me feel human again.  and I love my hair!:)

I mean, REALLY?

I've had it just about up to here..... why does the school insist on having food based activities every week. Last week it was "Dirt n Worms"- thankfully I got a warning the day before, was able to discuss it with B and choose how to address the situation after our talk and some carb counting... But not today.

Today I dropped B off and the Asst Director informs me AFTER my child is already inside that they are having an activity today where the wrap marshmallows in crescent rolls and bake them... somehow simulating Jesus and the resurrection?  Anyway guess what Marshmallows are made of... SUGAR! And bread... you get the picture. I didn't have a chance to talk to B about it, I didnt have time to look it all up because the 9 people in line behind me probably wanted me out of the way.. so I let it go with a "She cant eat that".... 4 hours later I pick up a grouchy 5yo who is ticked because she couldnt eat the extra"snack" and even better yet... the TEACHER ate hers. Yeah. Lovely aint it?

I don't get why they have to have FOOD based activities? Don't we already have an obesity epidemic in this state? And why is it that because your kid is allergic to peanuts, I cant send peanut butter crackers but my kid has diabetes and they still fill the room with sugar? And not just in the room, but they make ACTIVITIES out of it? And my daughter cant fully participate because the school was too insensitive to find a way to recreate the Resurrection in food without carbs?  Kinda freakin mean if you ask me. But seriously.... we take precautions to protect kids with allergies, cant we take the same precautions with mine? I know looking a sugar wont kill her, but making a 5yr old feel excluded every week isnt doing anything for her self esteem either.

Answer a question for me?

Who reads this thing anyway?

I get phone calls from the school everyday. EVERY. DAY. Its usually a question about snacks, so I got a letter from the Endo stating that due to medical concerns we should provide snacks. YAY! I thought that solved the problem. Until I got a call saying they couldnt find the letter, in the BRIGHT ORANGE folder I put it in. EXACTLY where I told them it would be.

Today I got a call because TOMORROW they are making "dirt & worms". For anyone who doesnt know, dirt & worms is chocolate pudding, covered in crushed oreos and a gummi worm. They couldnt give me more of a heads up? This is seriously the craft activity they had to do in her classroom? FFS people. 

I also went to register B for kindergarten today. Talk about CHAOS- I mean really... CHA-OS! They have no nurse, well ok, they do, bbut she "drops by" twice a week. Really? NOT going to work for the child who needs an insulin injection every day at lunch. Dont even get me started on an emergency Glucagon injection. Of course the office secretary said she could probably figure it out and 3 other random people offered the same.... SOOOOooooo helpful and comforting. WTF? you dont just FIGURE OUT a life sustaining injection.

Oh and they have never had a  diabetic student before either, especially not an insulin dependant one.... yeah I'm freaking out just a little. What do we do? Homeschool? Try to wrk with that? Move?

Oh and I might be having surgery next week. two days in bed sounds great but other than that  can we please get a break?

I'm so exhausted that if I close my eyes or turn my head too fast I get disoriented. Its like being drunk, only cheaper. And in small doses.

Today was the day of not eating. B didnt finish a single meal. Imagine a mother yelling at her 5yo to STOP eating her veggies and just eat her mashed potatos, spaghetti, pancakes....we went through a lot of juice, but at least she didnt go low until almost bedtime.

Its been rough. I need some wine and a pillow. The nap I had planned was skipped when the sleeping baby woke up as soon as Bella fell asleep.As soon as he fell back to sleep the phone rang and it was time to wake her up.

I need to do that thing where women who just had a baby stay in bed and do nothing but nurse a baby for a few days. I have nothing intelligent to say its been a long stressful day. If I'm lucky I can get the baby to sleep and a bowl of cereal for dinner.

Reality

I woke up at about 3 am the other night freaking out because B was asking for food and I forgot. She had come into our room hungry and I fell back asleep. Hungry means shes low and she does a lot of that at night. But then, I wasnt SURE she had come in. Why would I have told her to check her sugar in the middle of the night? Maybe I was dreaming. I had to wake Nathan up because I was so out of it and I could not tell what was real and what was a dream. We decided that I had dreamt it, and her sugar was fine so we didnt wake her.

Maybe thats a sign you are eexhausted? I dont think I've slept more than 2 hours at a time in the past month. Its really probabley more like the past 10 months, since I got pregnant. but whos counting?

I get T to sleep at about 11 and usually pass out right after him. I check B's sugar before I do, then set an alarm for 2-3 hour intervals throughout the night. Depending on her previous reading I may or may not check it at the next alarm. I always check at 4am when I'm up nursing T and may check it at 6 if she  was below 150. 

I hear this is normal and will continue.... the getting up. The endocrinologist doesnt seem to feel the need to check so often, but when I've seen her sugar plummet 100 points in an hour... and it really does threaten her life if it gets too low... I'm going to check it.

I'm driving Nate crazy. I talk to him about the indiocincracities ( is tht right?) of her body and its responses non stop. I'm still learning, because I've never needed to be involvd this deeply in his own care. And when I'm learning, I talk things to death. He ought to be used to it though, at least its not carseats, right? lol

Things You Don't Say...

to the mom of a diabetic child... I'm sure I'll add more to this in the future but to cover the past 4 weeks.

1. Well, at least its ONLY diabetes.
2. How can you stand giving her shots?
3. Will she out grow it?
4. At least she is young and wont remember much before she was diabetic.
5. Can she eat that?
6. Its from all that processed food.
7. Oh I know all about diabetes. My aunt just found out she has it... may cat is diabetic.. I SAW STEEL MAGNOLIAS!.
8. Is it that bad kind?
9. I need a child free break....
10. I'm so exhausted, I only slept 6 hours last night...
11. So she cant have sweets, bread, pasta, rice, etc?

and the kicker...

12.  Oh you think thats bad? I had.... (insert random stupid irresponsible totally preventable problem here)...happen to me last week. THAT was horrible, Can you believe it?


And just so you know, I'm not bitter, I'm not upset. Diabetes is a fact of life in our house. It has been for the past 33 years for Nathan, for the past 9yrs for me and that will continue. Now we just adapt everything .

Eyes in the back of your head...

Moms always know what thier kids are up to. Little bumps in the night are usually a little one sneaking out of bed for a book or another stuffed animal. An eye rub too many means a meltdown is coming if a nap isnt had, and soon. Something about the way B was constantly bugging me for a drink, sometimes 3 glasses of water at bedtime just did not sit right with me. After a while I really began to wonder if something was up.

I asked Nate to check her blood sugar but the only other symptom she had was frequnt urination, and as much as she was drinking that was understandable. So we put it out of our heads.

And then she was EATING us out of house and home, but we thought that was backwards, that it was a lack of appetite, so again, we pushed the notion aside, saying that if she was diabetic, she would be losing weight.

Then her jeans were loose. Jeans that I prviously had trouble buttoning, they had an inch of slack. So I asked my dad to weigh her, thinking she was just getting taller and slimming up some. But she had lost a few pounds... could have been the scale. But it still just didnt sit right with me.

Then the weekend after T was born, she wet the bed, 2 nights in a row. This child has been night trained since she was 2.  THAT really made me wonder, but MAYBE it was her adjusting to the baby, maybe she was just exhausted since her grandparents were here. But it wasnt RIGHT.

Finally, we checked her sugar. Nate and I had been in the ER all night, IL's were with B, and when we got home she was still awake- and asking for a 3rd glass of water after bedtime. MIL said she was inthe bathroom all night. I finally couldnt fight it anymore. As much as I know Nate didint want it to be diabetes, one finger stick wouldnt hurt that bad and we would sleep, assured that she was just fine.

I did not expect it to actually be high. If any part of me did, I thought it would be a number, like 250, not off the charts. It simply read HIGH. I think every jaw in  the room stopped, several hearts as well.


And so it began, Nathan and I, and his parents- who had obviously ben through this themselves- sat and discussed our options.  ER tonight or pediatrician tomorrow? At some point B actually vomited and we rechecked her for a 4th time to see that it was finally low enough for a reading. If you can call 457 low.

The decision was finally made that we would watch her closely overnight, and Nate and IL's would take her to the childrens ER in the morning. I would stay home with the baby and pack us up for the hospital stay and go in once she was in a room.

Let me tell you, txt message updates while your 5 yr old is in the ER are horrible. My grandmother, who I am very close to, kept me sane while I packed up our lives for the next few days.

After several hours, I finally got the call taht she was in a room. In the ER they had officially diagnosd her as Type 1. Her blood sugar had actually dropped some overnight, to about 250, but still too high. She was started on insulin injections right away, and had the first one before I even got there.

The next 3 days were filled with learning to adapt everything we knew about Type 1 in a 33 yr old adult to  a 5 yr old child. Her insulin is different, her diet, thankfully the two of them seem to react similarly to certain foods. OJ sends them both sky high, pasta might as well be protein.

She really is adapting well. Finger sticks are no big deal 98% of the time. She doesnt usually fight about injections anymore, although she will whine a bit. Overall, she is doing splendidly. There are the hard moments, When she cries how much she hates it, and just wants to be normal ( I wish I could explain to her that there is no normal). this is usually at 3 am when we are force feeding her carbs and juice.

But she is strong, and she is resilient, and overall, she is BELLA.

Trace's Birth Story

I've already blocked out exactly how long my pregnancy was... I think it was 41 wks 4 days. Eithe r way, Trace was born 9 months to the day from his conception... maybe he will be the only punctual person in the family. Of course, depending on who you ask, he WAS 11 days late. lol

The day before my sweet boy decided to finally make his arrival was a Thursday. B and I got up early to gert her off to preschool and I hung out at the IL's waiting for her to get out. I had a few random contractions and was texting my doula, but really wasnt expecting much. After all, by 41 wks 4 days I was convinced that I would be pregnant forever. But, they were a bit uncomfortable and I had also had a few the night before so I went ahead and picked B up a few minutes early and we headed home for lunch and a nap.

About an hour later, I had a pretty intense contractions that woke me up and lasted about 3 minutes! ( yes, 3 minutes... did I mention labor with a posterior baby sucks? just wait) I sat up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom and felt an odd sensation. It funny because when my water broke with B I thought the exact same thing.... " Did I just pee on myself?" After a way TMI phone call to my ( awesome, wonderful, fanstastic) doula we decided that I probably had an amniotic leak and things would get going. Called the hubby to  let him know and told B that the baby was FINALLY going to come out!

Things progressed slowly, contractions were random, my dad picked B up at about 4:30 and Nathan was home already, but nothing was really happening. Finally at about midnight things started to get organized, within about 30 minutes I was having contractions 4 minutes apart and they were getting really uncomfortable. I woke Nate up and called Melissa, my doula. She arrived a few minutes later and we all just hung out for a while. At some point, maybe 3 am? I started shaking and vomiting with contractions and we talked about how posterior babies can cause a sort of false transition at about 5 cm. That passed and I continued to work thru contractions, things changed, I started to get quiet, tried to rest and then the vomiting started again, contractions were suddenly one of top of the other and I was shaking. I was wondering if we should go in to L&D, meanwhile Melissa and Nathan were already loading the car!

At 5am we were in route to the hospital.Now I should probably throw out there that I wanted a natural birth. I had fought long and hard and my OB was completely on board. My daughter was only 6lb 7 oz and I had the utmost faith that my body could do this. When we got to the hospital it was still really early and we had to go in thru the ER, the triage nurse who took me up chose the WORST elevator ever, it was full- with an orderly and a huge cart of laundry. She tried to cram the whelchair in the elevator. It wouldnt fit. The orderly offered to get out with is cart, but that would take too long. I literally jumpd out of the wheelchair, said "Fold it up and get in!" and jumped on the elevator.

Once we got upstairs the fighting began. I knew all about what not to sign and was on my hands and knees, laboring, fighting with the nurses about signing paperwork, crossing thru stuff and complaining about the IV ( although I settled with a heplock). I mean, REALLY? Why did I fill out all the pre-admit junk if you are going to insist on asking me when I am in labor all the same questions?

Once that was over with I stripped out of the stupid cumbersome gown they had put on me and put my sports bra BACK on and got in the tub. I'm not going to lie, I had way too much faith in the damn tub working. I am a water baby, always have been. I love it, it relaxes me. I was going to have this relaxing, not too painful because I was in the tub labor... HA! Oh and did I mention, I was only 4cm? All those transition symptoms... I didnt want to get checked.... stupid nurses. I was doing great until then, and when I heard 4, FOUR! I felt so defeated, I wasnt even halfway there?!?!?! I was going to need that epidural.... and thats how it began. I had been doing great, and that ONE word, FOUR and that did me in. I was in the tub, not feeling any sort of relaxed and telling Melissa, I want the epidural... no response. Ok, so maybe I needed to say it when I WASNT having a contractions. I tried again.... a call was made. 

My OB was on his way and he wanted to see me before I got it. I knew he would try to talk me out of it, He had listened for 9 months about how strongly I wanted a natural childbirth... ok whatever, get him here.... and I waited. And then something changed. I felt all this pressure, and then my body started pushing...was it possible I moved from 4 to pushing that quickly? I honestly didnt believe it. There was a reason for that.... I had lots of pushing contractions. I had no control over it, but nothing was happening. At some point Melissa ran to the restroom and left me alone with Nathan...I dont know if it was because she was gone or if I just panicked but without going into detail, things changed and when she got back she and Nathan both thought the baby was coming right then.

The nurse came running in and when she checked me I was only about 6-7cm. And she realized what I had known for a month.  He was posterior. Sunny side up. My OB was called. He said give me the Epi, it was going to be a while.

It took a while, WHY ARE ANETHESEOLOGISTS SO SLOW?(And how do you spell that anyway?)  I was 9cm dilated by the time the guy decided to grace us with his presence! But once they gave me the epidural I was able to rest for a bit and the uncontrollable pushing stopped. Then the aching began first in my right hip, then my right thigh, deep in the bone, it burned and it ached. They tried turning it up, moving me, no luck. it didnt take on my right side.

At some point I started to feel pressure again. After a while I finally told Melissa that I didnt want to admit it, but I thought it was time to push. I was SO exhausted and I knew my break was over, that I was about to have to start working again. I pushed for what felt like forever, they tried turning the epidural up again, no luck. With Bella, I couldnt feel a thing, I could feel this, epidural or not, and it hurt like hell.

I was laying on my back, which I hated. I knew it wasnt the most productive position and I wasnt getting anywhere. I wanted to flip over on all fours, but the nurses woudnt let me because I had the epidural and "couldnt control my legs"..... wanna bet? Over I went, all on my own. I'm still not quite sure how I managed it, but I did. I've been told not only was it awesome but that the nurses faces were hilarious. Yes, I am proud of that moment. Unfortunately, the position didnt do any good and I went back to my back.

I pushed for about an hour, finally my OB came in ready to go. I've been told that even though my amniotic fluid was leaking all day and night, it broke right as Trace crowned and ruined my doctors shoes. He was posterior and my OB was able to turn him at the last minute ( thank goodness for a double jointed doctor)  but he also had the cord around his neck 3 times and his shoulder caught on my pelvis. This kid just did NOT want to be born. All that said, he was born, not by cesarean, but vaginally, with a failed epidural, and since I didnt even get that until 9 cm, I'm calling it natural, for all intensive purposes.

Ethan Trace Nichols was finally born at 11:55 am on Feb 8th, 2013.He weighed 9lbs 2 oz and was 21.5 inches long.

Just a bit of recent history

T was born on Feb.8. Eventually I will write his birth story. The only NORMAL part of our lives since the night before his birth would be the days we spent in the hospital afterward. I came home with " unpleasant complications" meaning, nothing that would kill me, but it was painful and embarrassing and THANK GOD that is over with!

When T was 10 days old we had to return to the local ER for a second time due to my "issues" (BTW taking a newborn to an ER is TERRIFYING). When we got home that night, for various reason that I can detail later, we used my hubbys glucometer to check our 5yo daughter, B's. blood sugar because she had been acting a bit different. It was so high it didint even register a number, but only as "HIGH".

The next morning we took her to the local Childrens hospital where she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and admitted. B spent 3 days in the hospital, newborn T in tow. We camped out with a pack and play, a rock in play and the most awesome nurses ever. Our childrens hospital is awesome. Nurses loaded B up with a ton of toys, her own stethoscope and a doctor kit complete with a ton of real medical supplies. She was "Dr. B". They made sure we were comfortable, never said a word about the baby being there and gave me several pats on the back for nursing T thru everything, even the constant stream of social workers, visitors and diabetes educators.

T was 2 weeks old before I spent more than 2 hours alone, in charge of both of my children. That same night the crying began. Maybe it was that for the first time there were only 2 arms to hold him instead of the multitude that had passed him around in the first 2 weeeks of his life. Maybe it was just timing. But every evening since has been punctuated by a fussy 5 year old, a crying infant, counting carbs, insulin injections and changing diapers. Welcome to my new normal, trying to navigate this new world and keep both children, clean, fed and quite honestly just ALIVE.