underneath....

When you look at people you see what they want you to see.  You see a somewhat put together human being with not enough sleep and not enough hours in the day and not enough help, but making it, getting by, because its what we do. When you look in the mirror. you see what you want to see. You tell yourself... no, no, you don't. Because its not even there. You don't have to tell yourself ts ok, because its just... there. That gut instinct. YOU ARE OK.  There is no "telling yourself" because that would be some sort of inward acknowledgement that things aren't really okay. And they have to be. Not in that, I refuse to accept the possibility of failure kind of way, but in a way that means if  they aren't JUST okay, then the world would crash to a halt. That speechless, Oh My God, what has happened here, what do I DO? Paralyzing fear... that ok, right this minute that number is ok... but what about the next one and the next one and the NEXT one, when shes asleep and your exhausted and sleep thru an alarm and Oh my GOD, what if you sleep through the whole night and wake up and she's dead.  Thats not there. It cant be, stuff it down inside. DEEP down inside, behind the brick wall in the back of that closet that you hide everything in. Because you ARE OK. Your CHILD is FINE. There is nothing to see here... nobody is broken. that stupid pancreas, we have GOT THIS. We don't need you... until it starts to happen to someone else. And somehow THAT person punched an teeny tiny little hole in the brick wall in the back of the closet full of hidden shit. And all the signs are there and all the symptoms are there and you start bawling because dammit, WHY does someone else have to go through this. And you can cry, you can cry for this other person because she isn't YOU and he isnt your child and you dont have to be FINE for them, because they live 900 miles away. You dont have to hold it together for them.  Your heart can break for them, because you dont have to look them in the face at 3am and make sure they are breathing.  Thats their Grand Canyon. You are only seeing it in pictures.... its not so huge, so massive, so terrifyingly deep in pictures. But you dont have a Grand Canyon... you are FINE. Not your kid, she is FINE.  We are OK. Nevermind that nagging feeling in your gut, the choked back sob that is always there, because you are imagining that. When you read about that new kid who was just diagnosed. It didnt bring a thing back.... that little bump, it was a speedbump, not Mount Everest calling. Nothing hidden in that closet behind that brick wall.  Move along. Stop fumbling with the lock on that door, you are too tired, too exhausted after 6 months of not sleeping, not breathing not looking in the mirror, because Mt Everest might just be too big to stuff behind the brick wall. And God knows you are too damn tired to shove everything back in if you open the door. Nothing is wrong, YOU ARE OK.... wait, did you just say that?

Wait what happened!?!?!?!

Summer is over? School starts in 5 days! eek! We have been doing diabetes education at Bellas school ( yay for starting Kindergarten!) and learning how to use her insulin pump. Trace is almost crawling and weighs about 125lbs now. Ok ok, more like 20, but you get the point.

Hopefully the school year will go well. Her teacher seems more than capable and willing to work with us on proper diabetes care. The principal seems wonderful. Everyone is eager to learn and be helpful, more so than I think is necessary in some cases. The librarian was concerned about how to work her pump! THAT shouldnt be needed. But I admire her concern.

B is doing great acclimating to it. She wore it for 3 days this week, all while still having to get her shots because the pump only had saline in it. I tried to change the site yesterday and screwed up so we decided to leave it off until she starts on the insulin.

So pump is lined up, school supplies have been bought, school clothes are waiting to be washed and hung up. She showered and washed her won hair for the first time tonight ( although there was s good bit of yelling involved on both of our parts. She is finishing up swimming lessons, ( God, bless that woman for not drowning her, She has fought every step of the way).

Looking forward to getting settled in and having a routine again. These past 6 months have been fly by the seat of your pants and then crash ( to sleep). I'm hoping school will work out well, and I can get Trace on a bit of a routine. We started much earlier with Bella but things have just been chaotic around here. Maybe the poor boy can get a decent nap!

I'm hoping that within a couple of weeks I can get geared up and start working on my little business idea. I started making T shirts with pockets to hold Bellas pump, and a few friends suggested I sell them. They are over $30 online but I can make them at a fraction of the cost. I have already started trying to get the word out on FB and fine tuning some ideas. So please, if you havent already checked it out, go here, and see what all my yammering is about!

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